What My Dying Dog Taught Me

Seven years ago, the children wanted a dog...but that just seemed like so much work.  I'd spent a decade with at least one child in diapers and, now that Moses was fully potty-trained, the thought of a puppy project was exhausting.  

Tozer was our beloved rescue dog, origin unknown.  Our dear friend Megan is a dog-whisperer, gathering the forgotten mutts of Fountain Square, and she opened her home to Tozer after his owners dumped him. 

"I have just the dog for you!" she told me with a knowing smile. 

Tozer was a faithful nighttime buddy, snuggling in with children who still feared the darkness.

He was the terror of backyard bunnies and a champion couch companion.  He never chewed up shoes or furniture, never made a mess in the house and, with his stalwart, steady presence was a joyful addition to the busyness of our home.

Which made his behavior this January so strange.  Last Christmas was busy; we were headed out of town for a road trip to Duluth and then turning around for a beach vacation (talk about extremes!).

Instead of putting Tozer into a kennel, we asked some neighbors to care for him instead.

Throughout our time away, the Ashbys sent us happy videos of Tozer playing with Indy (their dog), going on long walks, and generally living his best doggy life.

But when we got back, he began to pee on the carpet.

At first, this was an occasional annoyance.  But, as the messes went from every couple of days to almost daily, my frustration smoldered.  

"He's a smart dog; I think he's just mad that we left him and is trying to make a point!"

My annoyance and the story I told myself ("this is a defiant, resentful dog!") hovered as a fog of annoyance.

After a few days, I stepped back from that story. 

"What if there is more that is going on?  What if the story I'm telling myself isn't right?"

I've never lived with an older dog before, but a quick Google search brought up other, possible stories.  Maybe this was a urinary tract infection?  I made an appointment with the vet and helped Tozer into the van.

The vet, a kind-looking woman with curly hair and sympathetic eyes, delivered the news.  It wasn't an infection.  It was catastrophic liver failure.  Tozer was dying.  

In a moment, the accidents clicked into focus.  They weren't the aggravated messages of a resentful dog, they were the distress signals of my suffering companion.

What do you do when behavior changes?
Simon Sinek has a lovely soundbite about what great managers do when employees fail to meet their goals (linked below).

Instead of berating them

"Your numbers are down for the third quarter in a row and you have to get them up!"

Truly transformational leaders lead with curiosity and empathy

"Your numbers are down for the third quarter in a row; what is going on for you right now/is there anything you need to talk about?" 

Now, the comparison to Tozer falls short because, great dog that he was, he wasn't actually able to talk and give context to his situation.

But there was a story that I adopted; I thought I knew what was going on - he's acting out/feeling resentful/making a point - that wasn't based on reality or on his past performance.

In his final days, Tozer taught me to interrogate the stories I make up in my mind, to practice greater curiosity, to lean in (when the behavior seems odd/out of character) and ask, "what else *might* be going on here?"

I'm thankful I was able to pivot out of that story before too much time passed, or else his final days would have been saturated by ever-escalating pain plus the aggravated energy of his caretakers

Instead, care and love permeated his passing.

The power of empathy & curiosity
In this short (2.5 minute) video, Simon Sinek talks about how to build trust and empathy at work.  Leaders care about the person, not just the metrics.

Movie recommendation
 

"When I began this work, I thought that black boys needed more discipline.  What I discovered is that they need more love."

This immensely powerful ESPN+ documentary follows the work of Jason Williams at The Cave, a transformational leadership academy in the heart of Detroit.

The cinematography and story-telling are masterful.  I watched with the whole family and had rich, nuanced conversations afterwards (especially with my teenagers).  

This is a great film to expand your perspective and empathy and it was totally worth the one-month subscription that I paid in bumping up my Disney+ subscription to include ESPN. 

You can also expect that I will know a lot more sports trivia this month, as a result!