Schadenfreude - I want to see them fail!
/Who do you wish would fail, fall-out, or just get completely humiliated?
There was a really cocky guy in my MBA program. His swagger and way he mansplained to me was infuriating.
"He’s terrible with people and an arrogant windbag” I remember thinking after one particularly infuriating group project session.
He was called on in a Tuesday afternoon class, plucked out of his doodling to answer a fairly straight-forward question about the case study. And when he floundered, whiffing the answer, I felt a quiet satisfaction bubble up inside.
To use a mouthful of a word – I felt a sense of schadenfreude.
Schadenfreude comes to us (like bratwurst) from the Germans and describes the delight one feels in the failure or humiliation of others.
You don’t need to look any further than the grocery store magazines to see that the only thing we like more than making heroes is watching them fail. Whether that is J. Lo’s marriage implosion or Ingrid Andress wobbling through the national anthem, the failures/implosion of others can evoke a certain smug satisfaction.
Gore Vindal, a late-American writer, captured the sentiment like this – “It’s not enough to succeed, others must fail.”
Washington vibes
I spent a summer studying and working in Washington DC at the age of 19 and this quote by Vidal seemed like it could have been writing on a decorative pillow in every office I visited. The dynamic was constant combat – each political party or interest group was either winning or losing, based on the day or the most recent decision.
And, although I am deeply political and still follow the news attentively, the whole business looked exhausting and contentious.
A dangerous wish
“I wish the bullet had hit him.”
A friend confided in me with a quiet firmness on Saturday as bullets grazed US presidential candidate Donald Trump and killed a rally attendee.
I don’t know where you, my reader, fall on a political spectrum. What losses you’ve suffered, what hopes or fears you carry into another election year.
But the foundation of this feeling (“I wish that person would just die”) does profound violence to our shared humanity.
Democrats, Republicans, discouraged Independents, Black, Brown, White, queer, straight, trans, wealthy, non-binary, working class (and a dozen different, distinct identities that aren’t encompassed by this already-quite-long sentence) - we all face a similar, ancient impulse to divide the world into “our people” and “those people”.
And I know – the issues matter, the court decisions matter. The weather is getting weirder by the minute, grocery prices are on the rise, and there are a dozen different global hotspots. Libraries have become battlegrounds and most of us feel that the world we are passing on to our children will be worse than the one we received from our parents.
But as it all reaches a boiling point, take a moment to pause – who are the people or groups that you feel like it is OK to “other” – who are the people that you harbor a quiet (or not so quiet) schadenfreude towards?
This question (and its answer) has roots in the moral universe. So, as you ponder it, the answer will probably bring you back to your foundational moral beliefs.
Set your intention
I want to share with you a prayer from my personal friend and soulful writer, Andrew DeCort. It was good for my soul and will, perhaps, find some resonance with yours.
And perhaps prayer is not your thing or a type of language you are comfortable with – maybe these words can land as an orientation of intention, bringing us closer to mutual flourishing.
You radically love others across boundaries, freely giving rain and sunshine and mercy. You are kind to the ungrateful and wicked. And you call me to live as your child and to radically love others across boundaries. I answer your call and turn to you in prayer for my enemies.
Open my eyes to the precious value of the other, regardless of what they may have said or done. Remind me that we are not truly enemies. We are both created and loved by you. Deliver me from demonizing, condemning attitudes and actions.
Open my eyes to the role I may be playing in this conflict. Has my ignorance, arrogance, or hatred contributed to our enmity? Increase my self-awareness, humility, and creative courage to admit wrong and seek reconciliation.
Open the other’s eyes to the role that they may be playing in this conflict. Increase their self-awareness, humility, and creative courage to admit wrong and seek reconciliation.
Regardless of who is right or wrong, give me the strength to love the other. Fill me with your love. Energize me to speak words of truth and peace, to practice acts of kindness and justice, to do what I can to honor them and heal our relationship. Deliver me from escalating our conflict.
Regardless of who is right or wrong, please bless my enemy-neighbors with love and the strength to love, with peace and the strength to make peace, with hope and the strength to give hope, with forgiveness and the strength to forgive, with wellbeing and the strength to make others well. May they come fully alive.
Your love gives all of us life and hope when we are powerless and undeserving. Empower us to love and do your will. In your mercy, hear our prayer, until all things on heaven and on earth are reconciled in your love.