"Nobody likes a whiner!" - Formative messages will shape your empathy

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  • "Turn that frown upside down"

  • "Big boys don't cry"

  • "You've got to be tough; no one likes a whiner"

How we practice empathy at work (or don't) is powerfully shaped by our early messages.

Early messages
This photo is my family photo from the mid-90’s.  You can probably tell from our stylish, coordinating outfits! 

I remember that I loved my hair in this shot and that this was around the time that I began to believe that emotions would not get me ahead in the world of men. 

My male friends and classmates started telling me things like -

"It is just so easy to talk to you; I love how you can talk about ideas and not just get all emotional."

I heard this a handful of times over the years from a range of guys.  Do you know how this backwards compliment landed in my brain?

"I will be more successful/liked if I'm not emotional. People want to talk about ideas."

I embraced/co-created the reality that it was my good ideas/ability to be logical that would get me respect in the world.

And, throughout those years, I adopted a Fix-It Frank and/or Buck-Up Bobby posture to other, more emotional, men and women, feeling a measure of long-suffering exasperation when they tipped into their emotions. 

Or a slight superiority that I wasn’t one of “those people” that got all emotional during a conversation. 


The Unwinding
I’ve been unwinding that message over the last fifteen years.  And I cry multiple times a week, sometimes while reading “The Velveteen Rabbit” out loud to my children.  Total tear-jerker. 

Or while processing a particularly hard client story.  Or when I listen to a really moving song while marveling at the elegant crane by my backyard pond.  My 11-year-old self would be amazed by all the tears.

I no longer feel that I have to hide that part of myself to be liked or accepted.  And helping other people connect to their own emotions (and the emotions of others) has become one of my favorite parts of my work.

Your messages?
I shared a part of this reflection on LinkedIn this week, asking for other formative messages.  The responses came pouring in.  Here are just a handful –

  • Don’t be a wimp

  • If you can’t do it well, it’s not worth doing

  • Don’t be too bossy (this was from a woman; men rarely get this feedback!)

  • I wasn’t a real boy or a real man because I was too sensitive and insightful

  • I believed that women felt and men thought

  • Get over it


What next?
Awareness is one of the first steps to unwinding these early messages.  Take a moment to reflect – what is a message from your childhood that shaped who you are now?

Do you have it in mind, the way it made you feel at the time?

Now ask, is this message still serving/helping me?  What else could be true?

For me, a new message sounds like –
“It is safe and important to honor both my intellect and my emotion.  They all make me who I am and shape what I bring to the world.  And what I resist, will persist.”

This work is personal but it doesn’t end with you:  it has ripple effects into our workplaces.  The messages that we use to judge ourselves are, all too often, the ones that we use to judge others. 

And if those messages are unkind/unfair/brutal, that will be the energy that we give out. 

As you move into self-empathy, you will be better equipped to create cultures of care and support those around you.  I'm cheering you on!

Film Recommendation
It is really easy to get myopic, thinking that your way of viewing the world is really the only one that makes sense.

Which is why I try to regularly take in books, media, and podcasts from people who inhabit different perspectives/realities than I do.

Minari is a tremendous film that I whole-heartedly recommend.  The story follows a family of South Korean immigrants that move to rural Arkansas during the 1980s.

The film beautifully captures the tensions of an immigrant experience.  And it is just a lovely piece of art, nominated for multiple Academy Awards from Best Picture to Best Director to Best Supporting Actress.

Our team is planning for the fall Empathy@Work event!  Details are coming soon.

Click the link about to get on the waitlist so you don't miss out!