What doesn't kill you...almost did!
/What doesn't kill you...almost did!
How to stop promising positive outcomes and become really helpful
Why do we keep saying, “What doesn’t kill you, makes you stronger”?
A more accurate statement *might* sound like – “What doesn’t kill you, almost did!”
We are in such a rush to rhetorically tidy up the messiness of grief and loss, so we toss out promises of growth and strength that just aren't the reality that many people live.
It ruined his life
For every triumphant story, there is another that shows the underside of loss – where the experience did not result in strength but in despair, addiction and withdrawal.
June 6 was the 80th anniversary of the D-Day invasion, a massive nautical assault by the Allied forces that was a bloody turning point in WWII. My grandfather, Magnus, was a part of that invasion force as well as the final push towards Berlin under General Patton.
His experiences from the war haunted him and he carried the ghosts of memory into my father’s childhood.
The things that he saw and did tilted him, more and more, into alcoholism and absenteeism that profoundly cratered the lives of his children. Those WWII battlefields not “make him stronger”.
The myth of grit
Eight years ago, books like Grit by Angela Duckworth persistently entered the public consciousness. One of Duckworth’s primary thoughts is that we persevere/overcome through our mental reframing and personal practices.
If we can believe that the hard thing isn’t going to kill us, that it really will make us stronger, than we can shoehorn that reality into existence.
But the reality is much more complex. In a tremendous, literary response to Grit, Bruce Daisley wrote Fortitude, powerfully making a data-driven case that what really helps people to overcome hard things is the meaningful support of community that allows their grit/perseverance/fortitude to be unleashed.
Confronting our own powerlessness
Another reason that we offer this type of support is that grief, loss, and disruptive life events leave us feeling powerless. And, more than anything, we hate to feel powerless.
Nicholas Wolterstorff, in his marvelous, reflective work, A Lament for a Son writes,
"We live in a time and place where, over and over, when confronted with something unpleasant, we pursue not coping but overcoming. Often we succeed. Most of humanity has not enjoyed and does not enjoy such luxury.”
In proclaiming, “What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” we overlay a narrative of overcoming instead of coming alongside in the messy process of coping.
What makes you stronger
There are things that make you stronger. Here are a few that I’ve found in my own life and in the lives of clients –
Sleep
Restorative activities that bring joy (for me, this is hiking, paddle boarding, baking)
The support of family and friends who know how to hold space for sadness
Support over the long term of loss
Reassessing your inner narrative (we are makers of meaning)
Meals delivered to my doorstep (not lasagna, please)
People asking, “How are you doing?” (not just as a polite courtesy) and really taking time to listen
Sharing silence with me
Help with the logistical tasks of life – navigating bills, helping with work projects, watching my children
Final reflection
“What didn’t kill you was
Unfair
Not your fault
Devastating
So sad
Infuriating
More than someone should have to carry
And I want to be one of the people that helps you survive, stabilize, and return to a place of thriving.”
Book Recommendation
UK author Bruce Daisley wrote this Sunday Times bestseller and I experienced it as a really important and helpful counterbalance to books like Grit.
Daisley demystifies what it takes to succeed in life - overcoming obstacles is not a solitary pursuit of a successful cohort of people who've managed to tidily reframe their challenges. Rather, success and thriving are a community-based pursuit that lifts up and empowers.
Full of case studies, stories, and data points, I highly recommend Fortitude