Thanksgiving 2024 - Help for the Holidays
/Holidays can be hard: instead of being marked by Hallmark charm/glowing gratitude, they can be an aching reminder of pain.
Today, I was baking pumpkin-sesame pies in preparation for tomorrow's feast, kneading gluten-free bread, and watching my boys play football outside. Which seems, as I write it, pretty peaceful and idyllic.
But, the reality is that it hasn't been an easy autumn - between Moses' broken finger, Luke's shattered leg, Ada's bronchitis and physical therapy for Magnus, the last month was a LOT!
And this is a relatively stable year in the Mertes household! I know that some of you lost homes to natural disasters this year, others are reading this in a lull between chemo treatments. There has been job loss and car accidents, the death of beloved pets, and betrayal by friends.
When big days feel hard
Last year, I shared about my first Mother's Day after my daughter, Mercy Joan, died. In the spring of 2012, everything inside of me felt out of step with the holiday. Trees were budding, new life was growing, and all of my fellow moms were cuddling with their living, solid children.
Not me. I was a snotty, angry, sad puddle of a person that didn't want a nice brunch or a sugary cliche, I wanted to hibernate under the comforter and disappear.
Holidays can leave us confused or sad, mourning the year that would have or should have been. And, around Thanksgiving, the pain/sadness/anger is only made worse by all of the posts on togetherness and gratitude etc.
Which is why I keep a running note in my calendar, nestled a few days before major holidays,
I abbreviate it "RO" for "reach out" and throughout the year, I write down the names of people going through disruptive life events,
Today and tomorrow, I am going to "RO" to some of my friends and colleagues,
There are...
Men and women who endured divorce this year
A single mom who is grinding through raising teenagers
A friend who is bravely battling for his mental health
A colleague who buried their mother
Parents marking their first Thanksgiving without a young, much-loved son
There is probably someone that comes to mind as you read that list, a client, friend or colleague who is living through their own disruptive life event.
You "RO" doesn't have to be fancy or expensive. Feel free to cut and paste parts of these text that feel congruent:
"I'm thinking of you as Thanksgiving comes around. I know this is a really hard year for you and not the holiday you imagined."
"I'm holding a small part of the sadness with you today; what a (insert adjective here) year it's been!"
"I'm grateful you are my friend/colleague/client. This year has been full of challenges and I'm holding you in my thoughts/prayers/intentions today."
Grief is the most isolating emotion. Take a moment, make your own "RO" list, and remember, it doesn't have to be perfect.
Presence over perfection. Your care matters.
Tiny Thanksgiving Wins
Around the holidays, I love receiving emails from What's Your Grief
So often, we can view things in binary terms - am I doing the holidays "well" or "poorly"?
This chart is a great reminder to keep track of your "small" wins - and remember, there isn't really anything small about a small win!
And the second chart is a reminder for those that are grieving - I especially love tip #6 -"Your connection to your loved one does not live in your pain, it lives in your love for them, your memories, and the way they live on in your life."
A Tool to Help You Grow
This weekend, as you are sitting with family and friends, you *might* notice that some people are more skilled than others in how they hold space/show up for the hard things.
Don't lose heart! We all can (and should!) be growing in our capacity to show care - people don't have to be stuck in their current, sub-par habits.
A great (free!) tool to grow in your self-awareness is by learning your empathy avatar. And we have a slick, interactive, online quiz that can help you (or that relative) see more of their growth path.