Murder, empathy and outrage - how to stay human

This week, the the CEO of UnitedHealthcare was murdered outside of his hotel in Manhattan.  The shock of his death and the tumult of the public response has been on my mind and is the topic of this week's newsletter.

First, I am sharing some tactical advice for members of UnitedHealthcare workforce, or any other workplace with a wide-scale disruption this year - how to care for your people proactively.

Second, I'll share some reflections on the emotional upheaval that his death has unleashed - and how to hold those stories and that turbulent conversation in a way that manifests empathy and keeps us human.

Tactical Advice for Trying Times
In times of large-scale disruption, proactive care matters.

Here is some (potential) language (and actions) for hard days:

1). Lead with your own feelings - let them know you are affected too.

"Brian's death is leaving me feeling really shaken - I'm finding it hard to concentrate..."

2) Ask how they are doing

"Are you having a hard time with it too?"

This is more specific than, "How are you doing?" and, when partnered with #1 (where you shared that you are also affected) increases the chances that the other person will share

3). Consider redistributing work

I know, I know, this is the busiest time of the year for so many. But what are the meetings that can be emails...or just moved to later on in the week? One of the best things that you can give back to your people, during disruptive life events, is the gift of their time

4). Plan your next check-in

Drop a note in your calendar, each week, for the next four weeks. Hopefully, you already have regular check-in cadences.

But this will keep you honest. Tragedies are not just a one-and-done - people need support over the long term and, despite your best intentions in this moment, you will likely forget/get distracted.

Anything that matters to us shows up in our calendars - and empathy + care is no different.

5) Take care of yourself...really (whatever that looks like)

If you are in a position of leadership and influence during disruption, care is draining. And you shouldn't process all of your emotions with your direct reports (that is leaky sharing)

But it is healthy for you to have a space to be cared for. This could be counseling, talking with a good friend, screaming into the void, going for a long run, taking an evening to watch a favorite old Christmas movie.

Make space for purposeful self-nurture so you can be in it for the long term

How to stay human in complex conversations

There is a wrenching, emotional torrent of stories that the murder of Brian Thompson unleashed.

Stories of rejected claims, tortured parents fighting for hospital beds for children. Delays and deferrals.

I remember my own journey in the labyrinth of staggering hospital bills. Mercy Joan (my daughter) died after just eight days of life.

Which was short of the 30-day window to add her to my health insurance policy.

A sort of procedural purgatory - long enough to wrack up bills but too short to statistically qualify as a person worthy of coverage.

There were tens of thousands of dollars in fees and only a series of (seemingly) soul-less people on the other side of the phone telling me they couldn't help.

And there was zero acknowledgement that I was more than a mark on their balance sheet - that I was a grieving mother who laid her daughter in the dirt just a few weeks previous.

I remember screaming at the sky outside the Bloomington Public Library after a particularly awful call.

Finally, after hours of pleading, I was given a case manager who, in the course of 48 hours, made the bills vanish under a benediction of "covered".

I sent this woman flowers and chocolate out of my desperate gratitude.

***

We are under-skilled in empathy to navigate these complex conversations - bouncing between polarities. We are either

Too quick to miss the pain of a widow and her grieving children - this was a gruesome crime and we dare not make it into a meme or a punchline

Or too quick to silence the messy masses of those with health-care horror stories, shoving their stories to the side (again!) while murmuring, "this isn't the time for that"

At it's heart - empathy demands that we value people enough to sit with the gravity/impact of their stories/perspectives - to be affected.

Violence is awful, reforms are necessary when systems repeatedly fail people.

And there is definitely room for reform + increased empathy within these systems.

Look no further than the baffling, new coverage limits proposed by Anthem for CT, NY and MO that plan to limit the amount of anesthesia covered during surgery, which were only rescinded on Thursday due to public outcry.

Book Recommendation

Small and actionable, Dr. Alan Wolfelt's slim volume "Healing Grief at Work" is one that I return to, again and again, in my personal library.  

These are 100 practical ideas after your workplace is touched by loss - guiding you (and other support professionals) is how to really come alongside your people with care.  There is also a section for workplaces touched by violent loss (like the murder of Brian Thompson).