The Holidays Can Be Hard: celebrating growth and marking loss
/Luke, my husband, had a second surgery on his leg this week. The continued strain of being the primary caretaker of our children/home, coupled with all of the typical end-of-year busyness has me lacking inspiration and creativity as I come to this week's newsletter.
Maybe some of you are there too - like Bilbo Baggins in Lord of the Rings - "I feel thin, sort of stretched, like butter scraped over too much bread."
Let me normalize the feeling - in every Zoom call/business conversation I've had this week, each person expressed a shadow of the same sentiment:
"I'm just hanging in there - trying to get to Christmas"
"It’s....going."
"Why are there so many extra school performances I need to go to?!?!"
End of year and holidays can be a particularly fragile time. And, lacking as I am in inspiration this afternoon, I still want to share a bit of perspective with you. Because our care and presence matters.
So this one is from the vault - on how to celebrate loss and mark growth, both personally and organizationally.
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It happens on the sidelines of lacrosse games or standing in line at the grocery: a seemingly innocent conversation starter from a new friend, perfect stranger, or casual acquaintance.
“And how many children do you have?”
How to answer? As a parent of a dead child, I teeter on the edge of my response.
Is this the moment to tip into tragedy? And perhaps take on the added burden of managing their discomfort?
Or do I answer with the count of my living-and-breathing children?
Sometimes, it just feels easier to coast around the question; I know what they are really asking is how many people do you drive around and/or are available for playdates.
But one afternoon, I was standing with my then 5-year old son, a big-eyed boy who watched as we lowered his sister’s coffin into the ground.
I responded breezily, moving past the interaction, “I have four children”.
He tugged at my hand and interjected. “No you don’t, Mama, you have five babies.”
There was something fragile and true underneath his correction: what if it was him? Would I just forget, moving on through life as though my whole being wasn’t etched with his loss?
Which brings me to this holiday reflection.
The end of the year is a naturally reflective time where we set revenue goals and resolutions. For forward-thinking companies, it is also a time both to celebrate and to mark loss.
Let’s talk about the loss first. This year, four Handle w/ Care client companies experienced the death of an employee. Like Magnus, it is important for your people to know that you aren’t just moving silently past the loss of a team member.
How to mark loss
Consider creating an end of year wall/space of remembrance for those that died. This can be in virtual or physical space
Plant a tree or give a charitable donation in their honor
Say their names. If you are a leader, talk about the impact of their death. Include how you feel: “I still expect to see Sheila every time I come to the front desk; I miss her smile and I imagine I’m not the only one.”
Get a book with blank pages and pass it around. Write what you remember/miss about the person who died. Give the book to grieving family members. Often, they don’t know the work side of their loved one.
There is also a lot to celebrate at the end of the year. How to do both without sounding tone-deaf? I suggest a phrase like this, “We’ve had some losses and challenges this year and we have a lot to celebrate. At the end of the year, we want to do both things: grieve what (and who) we lost and also celebrate what we’ve achieved.”
Which brings me to celebration. Too many organizations don’t take time to celebrate.
A recent email by Wayfair CEO Niraj Shah went viral this month. After a year of lay-offs and clawing their way back to profitability, his end-of-year remarks were to chide his people for spending too much and tell them to buckle in for another tough year. It was not received well.
How to celebrate growth/success/impact
Name your successes, out loud and in writing. These could include deals closed, personal growth achieved, or money given away to charity
Talk about the impact of your work (client/stakeholder testimonials). This ties the day-to-day to a wider vision
Consider a meaningful gesture. A celebratory email, a lunch, a ½ day off, a bonus. What is something tangible that you can give to your people (or yourself) to celebrate success/impact?
In recent years, I’ve changed my answer to the unwieldy question, especially when I’m with my children. Now, I answer, “I have five children, four of whom are living.”
As leaders, how you remember (or forget) has an impact on others.