My partner is dead: drunk driving and sudden death. An interview with Barry Hoyer
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AJ (on the left) and Barry (on the right)
How do you support and come alongside your homosexual/bisexual/queer colleague or friend when they lose a partner or spouse?
A few months ago, Barry Hoyer lost AJ, the love of his life, when he was struck and killed by a drunk driver.
Barry was well-supported. “All of my friends have kind of treated this is like the loss of a husband or a wife, like it has the exact same gravity.”
In this episode of the Handle with Care podcast, Barry shares about AJ, how they met, AJ’s endearing quirks, and what it is like to move through life after unexpected loss.
He also gives voice to what DISH Network is doing to help him as he copes with loss. From the care of his manager to personal notes from the executives to time off, Barry shares meaningful gestures that make a difference.
You can find the Handle with Care podcast on Spotify, Google Play, and Apple Podcasts. And you can listen to the episode here:
Here are three take-aways from my conversation with Barry
Displays of support in the workplace are so important. An email sharing a memory, easing the path with HR, or having spaces to take off early if the days gets too overwhelming. All of these things were deeply impactful for Barry. As was his overall work context, where his presence as a homosexual man was not something that was an aberration or changes how people showed comfort during his time of loss.
When someone returns to work after a loss, be conservative about big, public shows of comfort. Barry described how uncomfortable it made him to have a casual coworker publicly draw attention to him and to his loss.
Grief is unpredictable. Barry describes feeling sad and then happy and then guilty for feeling happy. If this is you, know that tumultuous emotions are normal.
