How To Talk About Hard Things: Suicide & Your Workplace
/I was a few months out of college, working to adjust to the new rhythms of office life. In an effort to save money, I often brought my lunch. A few of us would congregate in the flourescent-lit conference room, sharing sandwiches and strained conversation.
Luke didn't talk that much at lunchtime. We'd started around the same time and graduated from the same college - I even knew him a little bit after sharing a season together on the rowing team.
I'll never forget the summer afternoon - chit-chat rippled around the table and he interjected, quietly, "I'm not doing very well. There are some days where it is just hard to get out of bed."
I remember the awkward silence - I was one of the youngest in the room and it seemed like no one knew what to do or what to say.
One of the older women quickly turned the conversation back to familiar territory - how about those Bears? Looks like they are going to have a great line-up come fall...
The moment passed; we moved on.
And Luke didn't outlast the summer at that office. His internship ended, the weather turned colder. We were approaching the holidays when I got the news. Luke died by suicide, stepping in front of a train during his travels.
Death by suicide is complex and wrenching. The circumstances that led to Luke's death are as unique as he was and can't be reduced to one moment.
However, as I think about that moment around the lunch table, I wonder how many times that dynamic replicated itself.
Luke was brave enough to offer a window into his reality - that he wasn't doing well. But none of us had the tools in our empathy tool kit to respond with intention and care. I imagine he felt very alone and exposed.
September is National Suicide Prevention Month and this week's newsletter has some guidance on language, helpful podcasts, and some of my favorite thought-leaders on the topic of suicide and the workplace.
Better language
One phrase that I've eliminated from my vocabulary is "committed suicide",
We commit crimes - murder, robbery, arson. As I listed to those left behind in the wake of a suicide, they tell me that this phrasing feels particularly hurtful - like their loved one was a criminal. Instead, I say "died by suicide".
Better skills
We don't have great skills around disruptive life events at work - it is hard to know what to do or what to say and, just like my lunch table, we fall back into patterns that aren't really helpful -
Changing the subject (Silent Sam)
Making a joke (Joking Julie)
Passing on some tired cliche (Cheer-Up Cheryl)
It doesn't have to be this way! We can (and should) be putting better tools in our empathy toolkits so we can have these conversations with competence and care.
Suicide Prevention Thought Leaders
These are some of my go-to resources on LinkedIn - they speak with care and deep personal experience
Leslie Weirich - speaker, consultant, mother of Austin, author of Grieving with Hope
Chance Marshall - Founder of The Self Space and a fantastic thought leader on all things mental health
Johnny Crowder - suicide/abuse survivor, Founder of CopeNotes, rocker, speaker
Handle w/ Care Podcasts on Suicide
On the Handle w/ Care podcast, we've had two guests talk share about their child's death by suicide.
Another shares candidly about the intervention of his family and how to care well for someone dealing with depression.
How Can I Honor Her? Jason Seiden on life and meaning after his daughter’s suicide