Fix-It Frank Makes Things Worse

My mom went silent in the driver's seat.  I remember looking over and seeing, to my amazement, that there were tears in her eyes.  We didn't talk for the remainder of the car trip.

An awkward silence stretched between us as I pondered how the interaction had gone so wrong.  

I was home from college for my first break of the year and we were running errands together.  As we drove, she started to tell me some of the frustrations.  She was on the board of a dysfunctional school that was imploding.  

The most recent meeting was a total flop, marked by yelling and hurt feelings.  As she wrapped up the story, I rushed into the void with *helpful* suggestions.

"Well, it sounds like you guys are totally misaligned.  Have you thought about bringing in a third party of going over the by-laws..."

I'm sure I carried forth for a few minutes.  After all, I had a lot of good suggestions.

Then, silence and tears.

I was years away from the heartache & inspiration that launched Handle w/ Care, but I remember, even as a teen, thinking, "That did not go very well...I should probably figure out a way to do that differently!"

This urge to fix situations is, in the language of empathy avatars, encapsulated by Fix-It Frank (or Francine).  And it is so easy to let this fix-it mentality drive us, especially at work.

A lot of you are hired (and promoted) because you are good at solving problems.  But your friends/family/direct reports don't want to be treated like problems that need solving!

Ask this question
Now, I know that, for some of you, fixing problems is what you do all day long; it's part of the job description.  And maybe you are wondering how you can know when it is time to listen and when it is time to "fix".

One of the best ways is through a simple question –

“Would you like me to trouble shoot with you right now or would you just like for me to listen?”

You can use this question at work and in your personal life.  There is a man who came up to me this summer and said, "My wife is so glad that I'm taking this course again.  I'm a recovering Fix-er and these tips have helped!"

Engage the other person - they have ideas too!
When you do get into a moment where they want to troubleshoot, you should still resist the urge to just give them answers.

I see this again and again with people who get promoted into management.  They are promoted because they were really good at their jobs; we don’t train them to be managers, we just pat them on the head and think, “Well, you should know how to manage because didn’t you have a manager once before?”

They are set up for failure.  Recent studies showed that more than ½ of managers, flamed out or failed within their first two years. 

Because these under-equipped managers know how to do the job they used to do…in fact, they were pretty good at it, way better than the current "yahoo" they are managing who just keeps messing things up. 

So they end up just telling their direct report what to do or taking over the task and micromanaging. 

The person below them never learns how to improve and they are stuck in this death cycle where the manager micromanages, doesn’t empower their people, and eventually burns out. 

Cy Wakeman (whose book is linked below) is a researcher in workplace drama and I love the prompt that she has for moments like this.  Her question, after empathetically acknowledging the emotion of the moment, is to ask,

“What does great look like for you right now?” or
"What could you do next to add value?"

In the case of disruptive life events, another phrasing could sound like, “What is a good next step for you right now?”  Noting that sometimes, one step in front of the next is all we can take.

Book Recommendation

After hearing Cy Wakeman give the closing keynote at HR Indiana this year, I knew I had to get her book.  

Cy is a drama researcher and her data-based, actionable suggestions to boost productivity while embracing empathy and decreasing drama are so, so good.