How To Be Helpful: Telling the Team (or not)

She was dying of cancer and she didn't want her coworkers to know.

It was one of those awful, sudden diagnoses where time is short, just a few months.  She decided that she wanted to spend those last months focusing on what mattered most...and she didn't want to manage the emotions/condolences of others along the way.

She had worked at the company for a number of years and was well-liked and respected, so her resignation came as a surprise.  But she was very clear to her HR manager:  don't tell them why I'm leaving, they will find out soon enough.

He honored her wishes and it wasn't until invitations for the funeral came out that the team knew about her cancer.

Different ways of coping
When people are living through disruptive life events, there are all kinds of ways to deal with the stress and strain.

One person might welcome gestures of support as they take their child for leukemia treatments while another might value anonymity as they muddle through a messy divorce.

I remember a guest on the Handle w/ Care podcast noting that work was the one place where they did not have to think about the chaos of their personal life.  "I just wanted to keep my head down, feel competent, and not have to talk about it all."

Honor their agency
As a leader, how you tell (or don't tell) a team about someone's disruptive life event matters.  And it begins with the very first call/email.

"Is it alright if I let the team know?  What would you like for me to share with them?"

This honors the agency of the person going through the hard time.  

Practice your delivery
If they tell you that it is OK to share, take a moment to practice in the mirror giving the news to the team.  Your tone matters.  

If you sound stressed out, overwhelmed, and without options when you tell the team, you will set expectations for when they might go through something hard:  "I am an annoyance when I'm weak/needy/unavailable."

When you practice, here is some *potential* phrasing to try out:

"Tom is out this week; he's caring for his mom who is in the hospital.  I know this creates more work for all of us.  I want to be your point person to answer any questions you might have and help you cover our clients.  This is who we are; we don't know when any of us might be in a similar position and we are a team that comes together best when times are tough."

Podcast Recommendation

In a moment, everything can change.  A traumatic brain injury dramatically altered life for Baher Malek, a software designer, and his family. 

In this episode from the Handle w/ Care vault, Bess Malek-Mariano speaks about the exhaustion of providing long-term care, the shock of injury, and the challenge of embracing long-term disability. 

Listeners gain perspective and actionable tips on how to help those coping with the reality of extended care for someone that is not going to get better.

Gift Recommendation

Somebody Loves You, Mr. Hatch is a marvelous gift for the children and adults in your life.  

Eileen Spinelli weaves the tale of Mr. Hatch, a solitary figure who goes to work each day, comes home, and eats a prune with his lunch.  He is disconnected and uninspired.  All of that changes with a card that mysteriously arrives on his doorstep.

We are made to connect with (and remember) stories and this slim volume will both charm and convince you of how powerful empathy and connection really are, at work and in life.