"When are you going to start a family?" - Topics to avoid at work
/My friend desperately wanted a child. In the months following her wedding, she waited and hoped…after all, she didn’t feel so young anymore.
Eighteen long months passed and she began IVF treatments. They were painful, inconvenient. She looked weary and put on weight from the meds + the stress of so many needle stabs.
We were at a work social hour, one of those slightly awkward, lubricated mixers where colleagues fumble for conversation topics. An older VP joined our circle.
Grasping for something to say, he asked her how married life was going.
“Oh, fine. I think we’re finally getting used to each other,” she replied.
I cringed as he asked, “And when are you planning on starting a family?”
The question seemed light-hearted enough; it was a sort of tease. He didn’t know about the tears and the disappointment and the waiting.
The Center for Disease Control estimates that 12% of American women, age 15-44, have used infertility services. These treatments can be expensive, emotionally exhausting, and long, affecting both men and women.
Research further indicates that 15-20% of all pregnancies end in miscarriage.
This means that someone you know, someone in your social or work circle, has dealt with the pain of infertility or miscarriage. It is a journey that is often private, relatively unseen, and difficult.
What does this mean for our casual small talk?
It means that we should stop asking about people’s reproductive roadmap, especially in work-place settings.
Don’t ask when someone is going to start a family, when they are going to have more children, or even when they are going to become a grandparent (i.e. when are your kids going to start having kids?).
You simply do not know what journey the individual is on…and you could put them in an awkward situation. What if she doesn’t want to ever have children? What if his wife is having difficulty conceiving? What if she is preparing to leave her partner?
As a general rule of thumb, unless someone volunteers information about their family plans, do not ask.
And if they do invite you into that space of conversation, proceed with great awareness and care.
Podcast Recommendation
In this episode of the Handle w/ Care podcast, I talk to Julie McCorkle. Julie shares about the difficult, embodied journey of infertility, the three years of IVF treatments, and how she and Chis welcomed Declan into the world.
Julie also shares how to be a good manager, co-worker, and friend tho to those that are going through infertility and IVF -
Ways to help
Things NOT to say
Gestures that make all the difference
Book Recommendation
Empathy is for unforgettable workplaces, it is also at the heart of great advertising and client experiences.
Applied Empathy presents real strategies, based on Sub Rosa (Ventura's firm) design work and the popular class Ventura and his team have taught at Princeton University, on how to make lasting connections and evolve your business internally (your employees, culture, and product/services) as well as externally (your brand, consumers, and value).