Self-Loathing Sally & Avoidant Andy

After I finish this newsletter, I am going to reach out to a friend (let’s call him Alan).  His son died from an accidental fentanyl overdose a few years back. 

And I *just* remembered that I missed the anniversary of the son’s death in February.  Completely slipped my mind in my own February tumult of grief. 
 
What do you do when you mess up/miss the mark/fall short of your intentions? 
 
Self-loathing Sally & Avoidant Andy
Do you fall into a spiral of shame and self-blame?  “Ugh, I am the worst friend/daughter/colleague”?  I know where that sinkhole of self-loathing ends – in inaction and contempt.  In the realm of empathy avatars, perhaps a name for this pivot is Self-Loathing Sally.
 
Or do you just try to bury the moment, moving quickly past the error or omission?  “I’ll try to remember next year; I’ve just got a lot going on right now.”  Call this the Avoidant Andy response.  You don’t want to consider that you’ve let someone down or could have been better, so you push awareness aside and practice a sort of amnesia to the affair.
 
We are all going to mess up and fall short of our intentions.  I get paid to teach about empathy around the world and I am still missing the mark, forgetting important moments, and showing up in ways that fall short of my best self. 
 
Meaningful action and purposeful communication are the way forward
And I’ve learned that the antidote to spiraling into self-blame or deflecting into forgetfulness is to move towards meaningful action/communication. 
 
When I reach out to Alan today with a text, it will sound something like this: 
 
“Alan, I am thinking of you today.  I know that you are remembering and mourning Jerry (name changed) in a particular way during this time of year especially.  I imagine that he would smile to see the man that you continue to become, year in and year out.”
 
There was a time where I invited a friend who just miscarried to help me plan a baby shower.  Ugh.  It wasn’t until we were all divvying up tasks over crepes that I realized the position I put her in. 
 
Leaning into meaningful communication, I texted her afterwards, “I realize that I never even checked in with you to see if it would be hard to plan a baby shower so soon after a miscarriage.  I am sorry for that and any pain it caused you.”
 
I was talking with my teenager a few weeks ago and, as they shared a story of teenage-friend drama, I rushed in with a Commiserating Candace comment, “That sort of thing was a problem when I was in school too.  In fact, I remember when…”.
 
I was five minutes into the story before I paused-and-pivoted in the better direction.  It sounded like this:  “Wow, I just talked all about me instead of listening to you.  I’m sorry that I did that; I’m going to work on doing a better job of listening.”
 
Final thoughts
Remember, progress over perfection every time.  Don’t be a Self-Loathing Sally or an Avoidant Andy.  Instead, when you realize the gap between who you want to be and your actions, move into the gap with meaningful actions and communication.