The Holidays Can Be Hard

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This is a special holiday edition of the Handle with Care podcast, in honor of the most wonderful time of the year.  The focus of the podcast is empathy, showing others that we care, that we recognize their pain and make space for it.  And so, I want to take a few moments to give a glimpse as to why this time of year could be particularly hard for people you care about and how you can be a supportive, caring, coworker or friend when they need it most.   

For some, the close of the year is a reminder of the person that is no longer present at the table, the relationship (once warm) that is now cold and estranged.  Or of the dream that simply did not come to be.  On top of that, time with family can be strained and uncomfortable even in the most stable of circumstances, the shared table becoming a place of dread. 

You can find the Handle with Care Podcast on Apple Podcasts, Google Play, and Spotify. You can also listen here:

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Here are three tips for the holidays

  1. It is not your job to fix someone or control their situation.  This is a particularly American temptation:  we want everyone to be happy and we are profoundly uncomfortable with grief.  This can be further complicated in the workplace, where managers and coworkers want to get someone “back up to speed”.  Yet, the word “bereaved”, sometimes applied to mourners, means to be torn apart.  Mending takes time. Rushing someone through their grief or causing them to stuff their feelings will only backfire in the end.  Alan Wolfelt uses the term “companioning the bereaved”. Being with someone in their sadness and resisting the urge to fix them.  What this looks like in a practical sense:  allow people to skip the holiday party or the gift exchange.  Let them know that their presence would be welcome but you understand if they can’t come.  This could sound something like this:  “The Office Christmas party is next Friday.  I’d love for you to come; you are an important member of our team.  But, I realize that this could be a hard time of year for you.  If you don’t feel like coming, you don’t need to come.  Feel free to make the decision that feels best for you. 

  2. Take time to acknowledge their loss.  This might mean saying the name of the person that they have lost:  “I know this is your first Christmas without John; I imagine that could be really hard.”  Or noting the reality of a new life situation:  “This is your first Christmas since the divorce became final, I want you to know that I am with you as you find your way through this new reality.”  Maybe you don’t even know what to say.  What you say is less important than showing that you remember and that you care.  If you feel at a total loss, say something like, “I have no idea what to say; I’ve never been through a divorce but I want you to know that I support you and am here as your friend/coworker etc.

  3. Send a card, give an ornament, fill someone’s car up with gas, bake some cookies, or make a playlist of meaningful songs.  Any of these meaningful gestures show that you have not forgotten.