Mercy died, Moses needs surgery: my personal journey with grief
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Liesel and Moses
Today, I share a part of my story of loss and struggle. Elaine Brenner is my guest host and interviewer as I move behind the microphone, telling the truth of my collision with death and surgery.
Grief can be so totalizing, exhausting. It made me feel like less of everything: less of a mother, less of a graduate student, less of a friend and a spouse. Grief ground away at my marriage and sapped my bandwidth.
A threat to the health of your child can make you feel powerless, all of life can feel unpredictable and fickle.
I talk about the friends and family that made a difference: the Christmas trees that got delivered, the photographs, the overnight hospital stays, and the quilts.
And as I listened to this episode, I still felt the loss; there is so much more that I would like to tell or share, the ways that Mercy and Moses and pain have impacted and changed me.
You can find this Handle with Care episode on Google Play, Apple Podcasts, and Spotify. You can also listen here:
But I offer this glimpse into my story, hoping it will help you as you live through your own challenge or help a friend through theirs.
Mercy Joan and Family
It is a particular thing to really listen to and reflect on your own story. I can hear some themes that remain the same over the years and others that have shifted and changed with time. We are always in the process of becoming alongside of our stories. But for today, here are a few key takeaways that I have, after listening to my story.
When you offer help to someone that is hurting, give specific examples of ways you want to help instead of a vague, “Just let me know if you need anything.” This statement puts the pressure of imagining tasks and organizing logistics back on the grieving person and sets you up for failure if they ask you to do something that you can’t or don’t want to deliver on.
Be purposeful and careful with your language around purpose and meaning, especially well-meaning clichés. Take a moment to pause before you speak. Trite turns of phrase are rarely comforting and often hurtful. Instead, offer a hug or a sincere, “I am so sorry you are going through this.” You don’t have to make meaning for a person that is hurting.
A real fear for parents of dead children is that their child will be forgotten. Take time to write down important dates like birthdays. Remember the parents around Mother’s or Father’s Day. Take time to say the child’s name or ask the parent to share a memory. These acts of attention and intention are so meaningful.
Mimi, Moses, and Mama