"Do you even know the rules?": My disastrous basketball debut
/I've always been a tall woman, which means that people often ask if I play basketball.
Nope. I was a soccer player from Kindergarten through 12th grade and then a rower in college. And, although I was an avid Pacers fan (I grew up during the exciting Reggie Miller era), by the time I got to college, I'd never even played a game of pick-up.
I did, however, play intramural floor hockey during that fall of my freshman year. And what I lacked in finesse, I made up for in hip checks.
"You should definitely play IM basketball," my teammates told me.
"I've never played before," I'd reply.
But they persisted, assuring me that I'd be great.
And I began to believe them. At tip-off of our first game, I was excited, eager to unleash my greatness.
It wasn't long before I was whistled for a foul...and then another. I wasn't even sure what rules I was breaking. Being on the court was much more confusing than I'd imagined. My hours of watching NBA games had not prepared me for the fast pace of the game.
At halftime, the good-looking senior who was reffing called me over. I was briefly flattered (he wanted to talk to me!).
"Hey," he asked, "do you need someone to explain the rules to you?"
The truth was, I did - or at least how the rules worked when it came to contact/fouls (soccer was much more permissive). But, instead of taking an opportunity to learn, I was a mixture of indignant and embarrassed.
"No!" I blustered and scurried back to my losing team.
It's hard to know what you haven't been taught
I didn't come from a family of basketball players. No one took me out to shoot hoops or learn how guard someone. And although I was an athlete, my soccer skills (apart from being able to run up a court) did not translate.
Why did I expect that I'd suddenly be great the moment that I laced up my sneakers?
It's hard to know what you haven't been taught.
A little bit like my basketball experience, most of us didn't receive any purposeful instruction on how to be empathetic and connect with others. We seldom teach it in our MBA programs or our onboarding.
And yet, we need our leaders, managers, and team members to operate in this skillset again and again as they face these types of situations -
How to have a hard conversation with a new employee that is falling short of expectations.
What about the team member whose child just got diagnosed with leukemia?
Or the director who has gone silent lately - her performance taking a nose dive?
What do you do the first time someone cries on a call or in your office?
How do you approach these conversations with confidence and care? These moments leave many of us feeling overwhelmed and under-equipped.
I'm just not empathetic
I was in a training session with a group of salespeople, including a woman who is really good at her job, but she was experiencing a pain point.
"I know I'm not good at empathy but I just don't know where to start."
Maybe you are in the same boat - you know that connecting with greater empathy + skill would help you, but you don't know where to start.
Here are a few introductory practices that I suggested to her that might help you along the way...
Study someone who is good at empathy
The saleswoman from the above story lives with a roommate,
"She is, like, really good at empathy stuff."
If you know, work, or live with someone who is good at connection and empathy, start to pay a bit more attention. What do they do that helps other people feel seen and heard? Pay attention to their words and to their body language.
You can also ask them about how they learned to be the way that they are: "I've noticed that you do a really great job connecting with people. What are some of the things that you think about/do when you want to give someone support? I'm looking to grow my empathy skills and would love to learn."
Immerse yourself in someone else's story
This can be in music, a good piece of fiction, or a film. As you watch, read, or listen, pause for a moment and ask, "What might this character be feeling that is making them act the way that they are?"
Many people who feel like they "just aren't good at empathy" find themselves unsettled by the emotions of others. This type of observation gives you a bit of distance from the emotional immediacy of a person-in-front of you. You can encounter an emotion in a less-freighted setting.
Start small - who could use your support?
Consider the people in your life right now. Who is one person that is going through a disruptive life event? This could be the hard stuff (first year after the divorce, a partner who was laid off) or situations that we think of as happy but are still disruptive (new marriage, new baby etc).
What is one way that you can reach out to them? This could be as straight-forward as saying, "I'm thinking about how this is your first year without Bob. I really liked him and I'm not even sure what to say, but I wanted to reach tell you that I'm remembering him too."
Yes, that sentence sounds kind of clunky - but if you aren't used to reaching out to people, it might sound that way when you start. Saying something is better than silence.
One of the deepest fears that I hear, again and again, from people who are going through hard times is that they will be totally alone in their feelings: other people won't know what to do or say and they will be marked by the sadness forever.
And, in our avoidance of the topic or the person, we reinforce this fear!
Perfect is the enemy of progress when it comes to care. Even if it is saying that you don't know what to say, you are moving towards the other person.
Or, if words feel tricky, get them a Starbucks gift card or a mug and write a note, "Thinking about Bob, I miss him too." These meaningful gestures show care and intention.
Empathy avatars unlock growth
We all have certain tools in our empathy toolkit. They are shaped by our formative experiences, our households of origin, and our personalities. And these are the tools that we reach for, again and again, in hard situations.
But we rarely (if ever!) take time to do an inventory of our toolkit to see which tools are working and which ones aren't.
This is where the Handle w/ Care empathy avatars are so helpful. Learning more about your empathy avatar will give you perspective on the tools in your toolkit.
To learn more about your empathy avatar (and what practices are important for you to focus on as you grow in empathy), check out our free quiz.
It will take about 6.5 minutes to complete:
Podcast Recommendation
This week, I've been working through a 3+ hour podcast from The Huberman Lab. The interview is with Dr. Becky Kennedy on Overcoming Guilt and Building Tenacity in Kids and Adults.
I've already implemented a few practices in my home and in my work (like asking my children, "what is one thing that I can do to be a better mom to you?")
You can check out the podcast below: